[This is a blog post I wrote for MySpace on 1/6/2008 10:42:00 PM. To see the story behind why this is here and for links to the rest of the posts, check out the main MySpace page here on Anita’s Notebook.]

staringattheceiling

New Year’s. A time when the whole year’s worth of possibilites are stretched out before you. A time for changes. A time for new directions. A time to really start doing what you’ve always been wanting to do:

Lose weight, get in fabulous jaw dropping shape. Quit smoking. Quit drinking. Quit wasting time. New job, new place, new life. Say goodbye to that day-to-day you’ve been slogging through. This is a chance to start over and do better than you did last year. And the year before. And pretty much every other year that started off just like this one…

Yeah. So resolutions are all sparkly at the beginning of the year, but what do they do for you the other 364 days? What good are they, say in August, when you’re up at some unnatural time of the night and wondering where your life is going. And how it got that way. And who are you really, and who do you want to be?

This is the shit that I think about when I’m lying in bed and can’t sleep. Not the ‘oh it took me such a long time to get to sleep last night’ can’t sleep. It’s the ‘dammit I’ve been staring at the ceiling for three hours straight like some deranged mental patient and I think I’m more awake now than when I started’ can’t sleep.

I have wound down. My fluffy white pillows are at the exact right angles for maximum comfort. I have ushered endless rows of sheep over imaginary fences. I have tried not trying. I have tried quieting my thoughts. I have tried emptying my mind:

Okay. They say if you just empty your mind you’ll be so relaxed that you’ll fall right asleep.

So how do you empty your mind?

Just stop thinking about anything.

Uh, how do you stop thinking of anything?

Just don’t think.

But if you stopped thinking of anything then you would be so happy that you’d start thinking about how you were happy about not thinking of anything and then you would be thinking of something and not not be thinking of anything anymore. ‘Cause then…you know, you’d be thinking.

Dammit.

Fuck it, turn on the tv. Who needs sleep? Who needs health and sanity? I don’t. I have tv. I have entertainment. I have a connection to a world outside of sleepless boredom. I have….

…86 channels of infomercials. Dammit.

Which infomercial is the lesser of 86 evils? Who knows. I randomly pick a channel and some sharky-looking guy is going on about how I too can make millions in real estate with No Money Down. But I don’t want to make millions in real estate. I want to sleep. Or be awake. One or the other. Not this zombie like state where I’m too awake to sleep but too tired to do anything. Bored, lonely, flatlined.

I want to wake up from a full night’s sleep and be the embodiment of all my New Year’s resolutions. Not that I can even remember most of them anymore. Fuck possiblities, fuck resolutions, fuck something maybe happening in some misty far off future. I need action words, I need a catalyst, I need not to be up in the middle of the night ten years from now and wondering where my life is going. And how did it get that way. And who I want to be. I need to kill this boredom.

Get out the laptop. Google.com. ‘bored’ [search]…

Bored.com – Fun Stuff To Do When You Are BoredLinks to the most fun and interesting sites on the Internet.
When you have nothing better to do, visit Bored.com.

Yeah, not exactly what I’m looking for. I don’t want to waste my time away. I need to do something. Who knows what, but I need to do it. ‘i need to do something’ [search]…

Bored.com
– Fun Stuff To Do When You Are BoredBadJocks.com – News stories about athletes who get arrested or do something stupid.
WWE.com – The official World Wrestling Entertainment website. …

Jesus Christ that site is everywhere. At this rate I might as well be watching infomercials. ‘i might as well be watching infomercials’ [search]…

Simply Zee:
Two Easy PaymentsWatched a movie on TV then got suckered into watching an infomercial.
Well … Why exactly am I talking about this, you might ask? Well, because when the …

The link goes to a blog entry that describes infomercials as ‘crack for the eyes’. Well at least it was something, but I’m still not getting anywhere. I need something different. Something new. I need to be inspired. But how do you get inspired at 4am when you’re crazy with insomnia and everybody you know is asleep? ‘how to be inspired’ [search]…

be inspired
I need to be inspired to be inspired.
Life is pretty mundane, and it’s easy to get stuck in a relatively stable, happy, but uninspired life. …

That sounds about right. Click on the link and the page says: ‘305 people want to do this…be inspired’. Underneath are people’s stories about the struggle to find inspiration in their day-to-day lives. ‘so and so inspired me by doing this…’ ‘yesterday i went to church for the first time in months…’ ‘writer’s block is wearing me down…’ Click on someone’s name and instead of a profile you’re taken to a list:

1. finish college
2. lose 10 pounds
3. buy a house
4. scuba dive
5. clean out the basement
6. hit all the buttons in a crowded elevator
7. identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money)
8. get rid of clothes i don’t wear
9. have the courage to randomly break out in song during conversations with people.
10. drink more water
11. go on a road trip with no predetermined destination

…and so on.

Not dusty year-old resolutions. A living, changing list that evolves as time goes on and, you know, people actually do the stuff. Even the crazy stuff. It’s (surprisingly) easy to get caught up in surfing the goals and stories of strangers. The entries range from dull and corny…to those that remind me of how fortunate I am to have life’s problems be limited to things like boredom and insomnia…

see Alexa BEAT cancer

My stepdaughter was diagnosed with cancer two days ago. I can’t even believe I had to just write that sentence, but here I am in Dayton, Ohio at the Children’s Hospital (again). Alexa was admitted after her follow-up MRI found that she really did have a tumor (not an abscess, as they told us after her first surgery last month) and she would need to have another surgery.

We were so angry, and so confused, and then back on a plane ride home to Ohio again. She had a six hour surgery two days ago, and the surgeon came out and told us that the tumor found was malignant, and that they would have to insert a permanent tube in her chest to administer chemotherapy. They weren’t able to remove the entire tumor either—as it was tangled up in her spine. They don’t know what kind of malignancy it is just yet, they just told us that it was bad. We don’t even have a prognosis yet, and so we’ve just been sitting here, sick and in shock. She is eight years old.

I don’t know what the future holds for Alexa, but my only goal is to see her healthy again. It breaks my heart to see her here, drugged and subdued with a dozen wires and tubes protruding from her body. I want her to be what she always has been to us: healthy and happy.

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