Every time someone points to their head and pretends to pull the trigger I get the same feeling of panic as the day I heard.

What is a hint memoir?

More hint memoirs.

Feel free to post your own hint memoirs in the comments too if you want I’d love to read em :).
 

 

My brother Jody Michael Wirawan died on this day in 2008, today’s hint memoir is written in his honor:

Foster Father

The neglected child given up to foster care dreamed of someday providing a loving home for six kids.

 

 

Special thanks to my wife Jennifer for helping me write this today.

What is a hint memoir?

More hint memoirs.

Feel free to post your own hint memoirs in the comments too if you want I’d love to read em :).
 

 

This is an ongoing project to make a directory of links to biographies and memorials, with a focus on pages about and maintained by private individuals.

The idea for this directory came when I was working on a memorial site for my brother Jody. While looking for inspiration and ideas I noticed that it was really hard to find biographies/memorials of people who weren’t famous and weren’t maintained by a 3rd party site. (Nothing against memorials maintained by 3rd party sites, they just have a different style than what I was looking for.)

This project is still in it’s beginning stages and is something I’ll be working on in my spare time. As I find more sites they will be added to the top of the list to make it easier to check back and see the newest ones. If you have a site you’d like to see on this list please use this contact form to submit it.

Dan Bartolaba Memorial Blog

Jenny Anne Doenges Memorial

Jody Michael Wirawan Memorial And Biography

February is here and I’m inevitably thinking about Jody even more than I already do. He was born this month on the 26th, I still remember that day in a tiny Jakarta hospital: Our Dad was sitting in a chair in front of me pale and looking like he was going to puke his guts out with worry. His first son. And I was sitting, or standing, or pacing, or whatever to try and take in with my five year old mind what that day really meant.

And after Jody died I struggled to understand what that really meant too. He died, he was gone, but what did that mean exactly? My mind was frozen with shock and terror at even the idea of it. After the memorial here in Anchorage everyone went their separate ways to face grief in their own way. I went home and lay on the couch. And layed and layed.

Jennifer had to be the one to hold things together, going to work to do her usual job and then having to do all the things I do around the house too. She was exhausted and grieving but still so desparately doing everything possible to help me. But I just layed there on the couch.

At night I would have vivid terrifying nightmares about Jody’s life and death but during the day I was…frozen. I remember thinking wakeupwakeupwakeup all day long but…nothing, and being hooked up to the computer like it was some sort of life support machine. Before going to work Jennifer would push the computer in front of me and turn it on and put my arm on the tray where the mouse was lol. The small amount of time I wasn’t totally out of my mind and zoning I just clicked random links on Reddit or YouTube. It was something.

After a while this started to really work. I mean, I was finally able to spark up my mind and think coherent thoughts, even if it was just about lolcats or random tech stuff or bmx videos. Even if it was just for short amounts of time I mean fuck I was thinking something at least. Soon (okay months later) I became a pro at filling my brain with all sorts of interesting but not really relevant to my life distracting activities. Anything not to have to think about what it meant that Jody was gone.

It seems like the human mind can be set on autopilot and exist in a whole other world, not even being aware of the ground we walk on or the rooms we live in. Some people end up spending their entire lives like that but I didn’t want to. I had a beautiful, loving wife who was working herself to exhaustion trying to make sure I was okay. I knew that I could easily miss out on years of our future life if I didn’t get it together and come back to reality. There’s a lot to be said for being where you actually are even if you’re facing great tragedy.

First I had to get past the horror and shock of Jody’s death. Then I had to snap out of the avoidance and distraction habits I’d got into. Finally I had to make a strong effort to really concentrate on seeing things as they actually are. Does that sound ridiculously easy? It’s harder than you might think.

This is the month that Jody started life.

 

 


 

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Here’s a good video about seeing things as they actually are esp during times of grief and loss. And why you would even want to do that :).

Here’s a transcript for people who can’t access the video:

(Jon Kabat-Zinn)

What if you already are complete? What if it just doesn’t get any better than this?

And I’m not just talking about some pie-in-the-sky thing I’m talking about even if you had some terrible situation that you were dealing with? Either a health problem with yourself or somebody that you loved, or a loss in your life? Or anything like that.

Still, what if it were possible to hold the whole of it in awareness and allow it to be just as it already is? That would be an incredible radical act.

It would be an incredibly radical act and it would be really an act of profound wisdom. Because we would see struggling to sort of deny the way things actually are, but actually investigate things as they actually are.

And you might find that inside the sadness, the grief, the despair lies something else too. Lies some kind of beauty, some kind of humanity, human understanding that understands that things are impermanent that nothing stays the same. That there is loss, that it’s not possible to control the whole universe, that even in terms of our bodies that this is something that is to a large extent a mystery. But it’s not all ugly it’s not all black.

Even in the midst of utter darkness there’s this other element. Of beauty, of symmetry, of the natural world.

 

More:

Pointing To: Jon Kabat-Zinn Videos And Articles


 

Hi All,

I’ve decided to post an unfinished version of the story that I said I would publish back in September. I wasn’t able to finish it yet because it was just too hard to think back to those times so I was giving it a break, intending to finish and publish it later.

Recent events have put a worldwide spotlight on the epidemic of tragic deaths at Fort Hood and that in turn has lead to a lot of people trying to find out more about the person that Jody was.

Because of that I’ve decided to just put the story up in it’s unfinished state because it shows an important part of his life. It was a very sad time for him because of the things that were happening at home but also happy because of the love and care that his grandmother showed him. The run on sentences and brackets are not what I had hoped to publish on his memorial site but the facts are there and that’s what counts.

Click here to read the story about Jody.

Thanks,
Anita

Hi Everyone,

I’d like to announce a new website about Jody up at:

http://www.jodywirawan.com
 

What’s different?

We’ve drawn on ideas from the memorial blog and made it into a more well rounded website. One of the problems with the blog format was that it was difficult for people to navigate and see all the content. So at this new site there are dedicated sections like a gallery for pictures/videos/cards and a page for stories. The blog will still be there but it’ll now be a place where updates and edits are announced so that it’s easy to keep up with new things that are posted.

I’d like to give major credit to Jennifer for the concept and construction of this website. No doubt it’s a monumental task to have to build any site from scratch. But she also had extra challenges like transitioning content from the blog, making it accessible to people from parts of the world with vastly different (and conflicting) web access, and above all making sure that the site expresses who Jody was as a person. It’s amazing and I couldn’t be more proud of how it turned out. And after watching all the work that went into it I have to say that I have serious respect for people who design websites :).
 


The Guestbook

I think the most interesting part about this new site is the guestbook. Yes it’s a place for visitors to the site to leave messages or comments…but it also goes beyond that and draws on things people have written in other places about Jody. It’s a collaborative effort and I think over time it will tell a unique (and unpredictable) kind of story. It’s just starting out right now so feel free to add something yourself, it’s open to anyone at any time:

http://jodywirawan.com/guestbook/jody.php

 
September Story

Lastly, September is here and this is a heartbreaking month for anyone that knew Jody or even for those that just knew of his story. Twenty-two is too young for anyone to die and it’s easy to get overwhelmed thinking about all the things he won’t get to do. It’s only natural to think about absence when someone dies, but what about their life?

We all knew Jody in different ways and have different stories to tell about him. I want to tell you about one part of his life that most people don’t know about but was an important part of who he was. It’s not finished right now but I’ll be posting it in the next few days on the Stories page. Anyway until then please take a look at the new site, hope you like it!
 
http://www.jodywirawan.com

 
Thanks,
Anita

Update:

The story about Jody mentioned in this post is now up at his memorial:

http://jodywirawan.com/stories.html#gerald

Jennifer designed and put together a beautiful card to commemorate the day he was born. The picture on the front of the card is from Jody’s first birthday party in Depok, Indonesia. The inside has pictures from his childhood and high school graduation. And the back has Alaska’s state flower, the Forget Me Not.

Click on pictures for larger view.

Nothing

Jody’s time with the Army was up and he was set to leave Texas in September. He was going to come live with Jennifer and I for a while until he found an apartment and got everything set up. He was getting here just in time for my birthday.

We were really excited and got to the airport early to wait for his flight to come in. Hours went by but he never walked through the gate. We called and called but the only answer we got was At&T saying that the number was unavailable. Or something. I just remember looking at my phone and wondering why we hadn’t heard anything. When we asked the lady at the counter she said that there was no record of a Jody Wirawan boarding any flights.

We went home and stayed up as long as we could. Kept calling. Nothing.

The next morning Jennifer was sitting at her computer and asked me to sit down next to her. She looked stricken and sick and I just *knew* that she was going to tell me that Jody had been in a car accident. And he was in the hospital. Or something. And then we’d fly down and be with him until he recovered. And take him back to Alaska to live with us.

But Jennifer said that Jody had died. There had been a fight at his apartment and at the end of it he had shot another soldier and then turned the gun on himself. He had already been dead for three days. How do you tell a loved one something like this? She was sensitive and caring and loving. She held me while I just sat there in disbelief because that didn’t sound at all like Jody. But it was his name in the article on Google News.

Why didn’t the Army call me? They said my name was on the list but my contact information was put in wrong. I got assigned a casualty officer with a voice that was cold and crisp. She chided me when I called on a Friday asking if there was any news on when the funeral would be. I was worried because by that point it had been weeks but I’d heard nothing from anybody. There’s no need to call, we’ll let you know when a funeral is set, she said. End of conversation.

But later that same day she called and said she’d decided to check into it after all and that the funeral was Tuesday morning. Jennifer and I had to hurry and fly out in the next two days or we’d miss it.

Memorial

The funeral was a tragedy.

Other than Jennifer and I none of Jody’s friends/family from Alaska could get to his funeral on such short notice. So Jennifer, Jody’s foster Dad (Russ), and I held a memorial for him here in Anchorage. We decided to have it up at UAA since that’s where Jody went to school and where Russ teaches. We all scrambled to get everything together fast since there were a lot of people who hadn’t had a chance to say their goodbyes yet.

I don’t know how anything would have come together without Jennifer. On top of doing a million other things she made beautiful memorial cards:

Intervention

I had a really hard time writing the eulogy. Jody had suffered so much tragedy and abuse in his life that I didn’t know how to talk about it without completely overshadowning who he was. The more I wrote the more I got wrapped up in all the sadness of what he went through.

By the morning of the memorial I had barely slept in days. I sat in front of the computer looking at a eulogy that wasn’t fit to be read at a memorial. Jody deserved something that honored how he lived and I felt like I’d let him down. I was crushed, there was no way I would finish the eulogy in time.

At this point Jennifer did an intervention and made me step away from the computer. She said that I needed to get some rest since I was very sleep deprived and not in my right mind anymore. You’re not getting anywhere anyway so you might as well get some rest, she said.

She took over at the computer and rearranged some of what I’d written. She set aside the really dark parts and added some things, like stories I’d told her about when Jody and I were younger. By the time I woke up the eulogy was pretty much complete. So in the end, this was something that Jennifer and I wrote together…

Eulogy

I’d like to start off by saying thank you all for being here today. I’m not sure how to express how happy I am to be surrounded by so many people who have come to honor and celebrate Jody’s life. I know that you and I might not know each other and we might not have even met before this afternoon. But you’re here because you care about Jody and so to me that makes us family.

It’s become clear to me that words can’t adequately describe the meaning and value of Jody’s short life. And when I think about everything he had to go through over the years it makes me want to be bitter at the injustice of it. But that’s not how Jody lived his life. He faced so much adversity but he still chose not to be bitter. He chose to have a good heart and I want to honor that.

Jody Michael Wirawan was born on Wednesday, February 26th 1986 in Jakarta, Indonesia. At the time our parents were still together but their marriage was falling apart. They fought almost every night. And even though they had just had an adorably handsome baby boy, neither of them could keep it together long enough to give Jody the attention that he needed.

Not long after Jody was born our parent’s marriage ended and Jody, Mom and I moved to the U.S. We lived in Michigan and Texas before coming to Alaska, the place he called home.

Growing up I couldn’t have asked for a better little brother. I tried to teach him the important things in life: you know, like how to rollerblade and play baseball. Jody wasn’t real crazy about those things but he’d do them anyway because he knew that I liked them. His favorite thing was to play video games on the new Nintendo that Dad had just sent him. Jody would spend hours playing Mario Brothers and perfecting each level. A lot of times I’d play too and we would each take turns using the one controller. Even though I’d be more cautious than he would and take a lot more time, he was always patient and would wait his turn without complaining. Those were some of the best times in my life and I spent them with my little brother.

He never lost that sense of compassion as he got older. As the years went on he was faced with more and more impossible situations but he continued to make the choice to be a good person. There were a lot of times in his life when food was scarce and he went hungry. But instead of becoming bitter about it he became someone who was more likely to share food with others. The last time I ever saw Jody he stayed at our house for a week, and the day before he left he came home with a bunch of grocery bags packed with food. He quietly went into the kitchen and stocked up our cupboards as a way of saying thank you for having him over. That was Jody.

When I talk to people about my brother the one thing everyone seems to remember most is the way he walked…you know what I’m talking about all puffed out and proud of himself. And he should be. When I found out that Jody had joined the Army I was really worried at first. But after talking to him about his job and how proud he was of what he was doing I couldn’t help but smile. He told me that he’d visited Ground Zero and the Pentagon and had been moved by the experience. This was one of the things that made him want to join the Army. I told him that I was proud of him, and I still am.

Jody had wanted to have a big family. A few months ago we were having dinner and he asked me how many kids I was planning on having. I said probably just two and then asked him if he ever thought about having kids. He puffed up his chest in that way that he does and proudly told me that he was planning on having six kids.

I was really surprised and said well, that was a lot to take on and maybe he might want to try having ‘em one at a time and see how it goes. He laughed but his mind was made up. He’d been thinking about it for a long time and wanted to have exactly six. When I asked him why, he said that he knew somebody who was a father to six kids and that it had inspired him. I thought it was amazing that he’d want to have any kids at all considering everything he’d been through in his own childhood. But that was Jody.

He knew that a person wasn’t defined by the cards they were dealt in life, but by how they chose to live it. I was never so proud of him as when he said he wanted to have a big family and to give them a good life. I wish he would have had a chance to make his dream happen. Twenty-two is too young for anyone to die, but especially for someone who had survived so much and had wanted to do such good in the world.

Jody was the best brother I could have ever asked for. He was a good friend and a patient listener. I’ll miss his sense of humor and how he could always crack a cheesy smile at just the right time to make you laugh. I’ll miss playing video games and watching movies together. I’ll miss picking up the phone and hearing “Heeey Anita, what’s new with you?” But most of all I’ll miss hearing him say “I love you Sis.”

I love you too Jody.

Video

I made a video about Jody’s life for the end of the memorial. I wanted to tell his story in a way that was different than what could be done with words on a page.

The images of Jody and the places he had lived spoke for themselves, so understanding which ones to use and how to put them together was pretty easy. But I had a really hard time deciding what song to go with. I mean, how do you decide on a single song to represent an entire lifetime of experiences?

I went through so many songs. So. Many. Songs. As time went on it seemed more and more an impossible thing. After a while I just wanted to give up and settle for a standard memorial song, but none of them would have felt right in a video about Jody’s life.

Finally I came across a song that was about a young man praying to God about the storms in life: Calm the seas in my life / So on you I can keep my eyes / Don’t let the storm roar / But don’t stop the rain so that I might grow. It was perfect. Here was something that spoke to the overwhelming amount of adversity that Jody had experienced in life. And all the faith he’d had despite everything.

Blog

After the memorial came long days of reality sinking in. Jennifer and I had planned on giving Jody a big Thanksgiving, a table filled with more food than he could ever dream of eating. Anybody who knew Jody knew about his love for food, so this would be the best way to celebrate the start of a new chapter in his life. But that would never happen and instead of him there was only an empty chair at the table.

So what now? We fly down to Washington to visit Jody as much as we can. He’s buried in a veteran’s cemetary with immaculate green grass and shady trees. It’s a long way from Alaska but those of us in his home state will always be willing to make the pilgrimage. Also, we set up a memorial blog for him:

http://jodywirawan.blogspot.com/

It will be updated every so often with new cards, videos, pictures, and stories.

I’m not sure what else to say right now. I miss him.

Here’s the post (keeping in mind that Jody died in 2008):

So to recap: My mother (Kitty Linda Kohli from Washington Nevada) has been pretending to be her dead son (Jody Michael Wirawan) and is posting messages as her dead son to her dead son’s father. Yeah. What can you say when somebody does a thing like that other than…

I figured the best thing to do would be to put this whole thing out there so people will at least be aware of the fakery. Here’s a link to one of the usernames she’s been using:

http://www.blogger.com/profile/11926911108665004651

Here’s what the profile looks like as of the day that I write this (Jan 14 2009):

I hope that in the future this profile will be deleted or at least changed to say Kitty Kohli, not Jody Wirawan. Especially considering that it says the account was created in 2009 and Jody died in 2008. Just sayin.

If you’re reading my blog you probably already know this but…a while ago I made a memorial page for Jody (for him not pretending to be him). It’s at:

http://jodywirawan.blogspot.com

So that one’s legit. And yes it’s posted under my real name lol:

http://www.blogger.com/profile/09364179036531354479

Anyway, wow. Just wow.